The Counterfeit Carrot Controversy

Last year’s Harvest Festival weigh-in was billed as the usual showdown between Selina Jones, Lanston’s Carrot Supremo, and Crispin Maron, Welston’s self-styled Taproot Terror.

But a cruel case of late leaf blight left Maron’s carrots stunted. With Selina on a two-year winning streak, desperation drove Maron to soak several oversized turnips in orange food dye, crown them with parsley, and disguise them as the carrots that won him a string of past weigh-ins.

The ruse might have held, had Maron not hoisted one aloft for the press. To the horror—and secret delight—of onlookers, the counterfeit top detached, exposing turnip beneath. Gasps followed. A child cried. Selina smirked.

In the aftermath, Maron issued his repentance, while I was moved to commemorate the affair in ink and watercolour. The resulting painting—Fall of the House of Maron—now hangs in my kitchen and is based on a Quentin Blake ink and watercolour. This year’s aura inspections should ensure no further tragedies of the tuber kind.